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CAMEL: ONE PREVIOUS OWNER What’s that? Running costs? Well, all you can think of is Marvin the Para-
noid Android or Eeyore the Donkey,
you’ll get about 50km per day out of
your average model, and all it requires
were the best mathematicians in the
in terms of daily consumables is 20kg but Terry Pratchett reckoned camels
of grass, which will cost you in the world, and Johnny Morris just loved
region of Rs100, and between 30 and them, so don’t judge a book by his
40 litres of water, depending on the cover, sir. Besides, if your camel does
weather. The beauty of your camel is develop a bit of an attitude, tie a rope
his ability to go for a week without between his two front legs and let him
any water at all, so he’s great for the go off into the desert with a friend,
desert; if you don’t put any water into and they’ll wrestle it out of their sys-
him for more than a week, the one- tems. Yes, wrestle. Has to be seen to be
year guarantee’s null and void, but believed! There they are like two lanky
even the driest desert will have filling diplodocuses, wrestling. They start by
oases dotted about that you can get crossing their necks, just like swords
to in a week, believe you me. in a sword fight, and then the fight’s
on. The idea is to hook your neck be-
aintenance is simple; as hind your opponent’s front legs, forc-
long as you put in the food ing him to kneel down. There’s lots of
and water he’ll look after
M himself, chewing the cud at playful biting of foot pads, necks and
any available moment and parking tails, and a heck of a lot of noise, but
don’t let that worry you sir, it’s quite
himself for the night without a prob- harmless. If you don’t let them have
lem. We recommend you tie your camel him walking; they squash out like silicone a wrestle every now and then they might
up for the night, just as a precaution, but breast implants, know what I mean sir? end up picking on someone else; I saw a
if you do decide to let him wander then Beautiful work. camel try to pick up a goat in its mouth as
he won’t run off, especially if you’re good Not as beautiful as the face, though. Look a joke, but the goat didn’t see the funny
and regular with the feeding. I know what at those lines, with the sleek, aerodynamic side, if you see what I mean.
you’re thinking: how on earth can some- head and long neck for reaching all those
thing with all those joints and spindly legs tasty neem leaves; did I mention that you id I mention night-time? That’s
not go wrong? Well, we get an average of can fill up for free by letting your camel find when your camel gets a lot of his
24 years out of each model, and I’m sure his own food? A nice optional extra is the cud chewing in; camels eat their
if you treat yours well he’ll give you even set of long eyelashes that give your camel D food plenty of times, so don’t be
more years of satisfactory motoring. put off by the night-time noise. You’ll
that extra bit of appeal, and along with the
See those legs? Two joints and three parts flapping ears I have to say that almost ev- hear farts, burps, rumbles and the regular
clock-like side-to-side chewing of his huge
to each one, a brilliant bit of engineering, eryone chooses this option; a camel with- teeth, and if you’re sleeping close by it’ll
I must say. Looking from the side you’ve out pretty eyes is like a donkey without a stink like a dodgy food disposal unit in a
got your front legs on the left that bend in tail, wouldn’t you say so sir? What’s that? blocked sink. But after a while you’ll find
a Z-shape, and you’ve got your back legs No, you don’t have to worry about your it comforting, and it’ll be the nights that
on the right that bend in an S-shape, and camel looking like a female; we only sell you’re not with your camel that you’ll have
there are specially hardened pads of skin male camels for transport, because if you trouble sleeping.
in the right places, especially the bits that take a mixture of females and males out
rub against the ground when the camel’s into the desert, the males will fight over So, can I put you down for one? Or would
sitting. Give the ‘sit’ command and they the females, so we leave the females back you like to take a test ride? There’s no man-
fold up in a beautiful way, one that you at home, just like you do in your life, sir, ual, but it’s simplicity itself; steer with the
wouldn’t believe possible; the camel kneels if you’ll pardon my mentioning your wife. nose-rope, and learn the commands for
on its front knees, then folds its back legs And on that subject, you don’t want to in- ‘stop’, ‘sit’, ‘stand’ and the speed controls.
up, and finally tucks the rest of its front volve your camel with females without ex- Easy, isn’t it sir? I just know you’re going
legs under its belly. You won’t find a sys- pert supervision, sir; with those legs, mat- to love it.
tem so well designed outside of a Swiss ing is a sight to behold, I can tell you! You In fact, I’ve got one here that’s just perfect
Army knife, but try to explain it in a bro- just bring him in for his regular servicing for you. One previous owner, low mileage
chure and it’s like trying to explain how as per usual and we’ll look after the rest... and a personality that makes John Major
a compact umbrella works to someone No, he’s not in a bad mood, he just looks look positively hyperactive. Would you
who’s never seen rain.
like it. Your average camel is a happy, doc- care to make a deposit now, or would you
At the bottom of your legs you’ve got your ile beast; he just looks like he’s in a perma- like to pay cash...?
foot pads. No, they don’t need replacing nent sulk. It’s the lower lip, sir, hanging
either, or shoeing like your horse, and down like that all the time, as if some-
they’re good for all sorts of terrain. Look at thing’s wrong. You look at the thing and

Wine Dine & Travel Spring 2014 21