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AMY LAUGHINGHOUSE

DISASTER PACKING

Tearing it up--literally--in Tenerife

eing a travel writer, you might in Tenerife (though, to be fair, it was tion for my most intimate accessories.
expect that I’d be an aficionado a particularly menacing curb). Clearly,
of efficient packing, able to cram I’m a danger to myself and should nev- I also broke a pair once on a train to
Benough gear for a trek to Mt. Ev- er be without the most basic medical Edinburgh, where I arrived in Novem-
erest in a bag no bigger than a lunchbox. supplies--and, quite possibly, a copy of ber to blazing sun (you read that right)
“Just the essentials,” you might sup- Gray’s Anatomy. and temperatures upwards of 70 de-
pose—a camera, a spare pair of socks, grees Fahrenheit. I combed the stores in
and a handful of breath mints to stave search of shades to no avail, garnering
off Donner party hunger pains and sim- odd looks from friendly shopkeepers.
ple chronic halitosis. “You might try again in March,” they
suggested helpfully. “The sun some-
In fact, over the years, I’ve become what times comes out again then.”
you might call a “disaster packer.” My
suitcase overflows with obscure items Blue skies over Edinburgh. Don’t panic;
meant to slap a Band-Aid (metaphor- it’s not a sign of the Apocalypse...appar-
ically and otherwise) on any problem, ently.
however improbable, that I might en-
counter on the road. - A bikini. I might be headed to the Arc-
tic Circle on an ice-breaker, but by golly,
A few examples: - Shampoo, conditioner and soap. Af- you never know where you might find a
ter staying in a hotel that offered a sin- heated swimming pool or hot tub.
- A nose hair trimmer. There, I’ve said gle tiny sachet of “hair and body sham-
it. I’m beyond embarrassment, ever poo” that wasn’t even sufficient to bathe Admittedly, I envy those folks who re-
since my suitcase began spontaneous- a hamster, I’ve brought the salon and quire nothing more than a gym bag for
ly buzzing at a most inconvenient mo- soap with me. an around-the-world cruise. I have the
ment. I wasn’t sure which was worse— greatest admiration for my friend Ste-
confessing that it was a personal - Silicone ear plugs. Airplanes. Scream- phen, who is so devoted to paring down
grooming device, or letting my snigger- ing babies. Need I say more? his travel kit that he actually takes a
ing companions assume it was, shall we toothbrush (just the one) with the han-
say, a very personal “massager.” I opted - Sudafed decongestant. My allergies dle broken off, to cut down on space.
for the latter. can kick up at the most inconvenient This is a man who can pack for a month
moments, and for me, there’s nothing in his back pocket.
- Various ointments for bug bites, better than non-drowsy sudaphedrine
rashes, and wounds. I wish I could to plug the nasal faucet. Unfortunately for me, I think I’m wed-
claim the Neosporin came in handy ded now to the “kitchen sink” approach.
when I was bitten by a koala in an Aus- In Ibiza one October, I rocked up to a But if you find yourself camping in the
tralian zoo; this actually happened to a pharmacy feeling like death on a cracker remote Himalayas in need of tooth-
friend of mine. and tried, in my non-existent Spanish, brush or a nose hair trimmer, I’m the
to describe what I wanted. “You know, girl you’ll hope to find in the tent next
Sad to say, my own injuries have been far that stuff they put in methamphet- door.
more mundane. Once, I nearly sliced off amine? Don’t you ever watch ‘Break-
a fingertip with my razor when rifling ing Bad?’” didn’t seem like the proper
through my toiletry kit during a stay approach. Although, come to think of
at the Mandarin Oriental Hyde Park in it, if that was going to work anywhere,
London. “Worse things have happened it probably would’ve been in the party
at sea,” a hotel employee observed with rockin’ capital of the world.
typical British stoicism, glancing non-
chalantly at a blood-splattered marble - Two toothbrushes. Yep, two. If you’ve
bathroom that looked like a crime scene. ever dropped your toothbrush in a hotel
(“It’s only a flesh wound,” as Monty Py- toilet a million miles from the nearest
thon’s limbless knight might have ob- drug store, you’ll understand.
served.) You can find Amy at WWW.AM-
- Two pairs of sunglasses. See tooth- YLAUGHINGHOUSE.COM and on
Then there was the time I gashed my brush explanation above. Yes, the toilet Twitter @A_LAUGHINGHOUSE.
knee open simply stepping off a curb seems to wield an odd magnetic attrac-

88 Wine Dine & Travel Summer/Fall 2015