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AMY LAUGHINGHOUSE






                                IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY


                       Ever Wondered How You Would React in an Airline Emergency? Now I Know



                          here are a few things   can only imagine that if Charles   Panic” flash in big friendly letters
                          that  you  really,  REAL- “Survival of the Fittest” Darwin   through your mind.
                          LY hope you will never   had been called upon to compose
                          experience on an air-  those  scripts,  they  would be  con- At  least,  that was one of the
                          plane—and    recently,  siderably more concise).     thoughts bumbling around my
                Tone of them happened                                          brain like the Three Stooges in
                  to me.                        In short (or rather, in long-winded,  bumper cars. The others, in rough-
                                                round-the-houses-on-a-rusty-bi-  ly chronological order, were:
                  I’m not talking about the usual   cycle-with-a-slowly-deflating-tire
                  colicky infant (at                                                       1. “Well, the plane
                  least one guar-                                                          doesn’t seem to
                  anteed on every                                                          be    plummeting.
                  flight, or your                                                          That’s a bonus.”
                  money back), nor
                  the chatty, close-                                                       2. “Um…did I do
                  talking seat mate                                                        that?”
                  whose entire diet,
                  from the time he                                                         You see, I’m not
                  was first able to                                                        exactly known for
                  digest solid food,                                                       good toilet karma.
                  has   consisted                                                          I have, on more
                  solely of raw on-                                                        than one occasion,
                  ions and three-                                                          accidentally pulled
                  day old fish. I’m                                                        the red emergen-
                  not even refer-                                                          cy cord in various
                  ring to the incon-                                                       public  and  hotel
                  siderate oaf who                                                         bathrooms, when
                  reclines his seat                                                        I actually meant
                  so far into your                                                         to flush the toi-
                  lap that you’re                                                          let or turn off the
                  forced to eat your                                                       light. (To date, this
                  dinner off a tray                                                        has never resulted
                  on his forehead.                                                         in the arrival of
                                                                                           the fire brigade…
                  No. This was one                                                         or anyone else,
                  of the biggies,                                                          for that matter…
                  one  of  those  life-                                                    which is both a
                  flashing-before-                                                         huge relief and
                  your-eyes moments that makes   essence), the oxygen masks de-  also vaguely worrying).
                  you wish you had put down that   ployed…about three hours into
                  copy of OK! magazine, wrenched   a trans-Atlantic flight to London,  Furthermore,  when  confronted
                  the ear phones blasting LMFAO’s   over the dark, fathomless depths   with those high-tech Japanese
                 “Sorry for Party Rocking” from your   of the ocean.           toilets, the kind that look like La-
                  waxy  canals,  and  listened  to  the                        Z-Boy recliners replete with seat
                  safety announcements featuring   Now, if you’ve ever wondered   warmers, spray nozzles and more
                  cartoon characters demonstrat-  what you might do in the event   buttons, bells and whistles than
                  ing the technological complexities   of an emergency, I can only tell   it ever took to operate the space
                  and mind-boggling intricacies of   you  this. If  you’re  me  (which  I   shuttle, I’m generally reduced to
                  the aircraft, such as how a seat belt   am), and you’re in the loo (which   tears. Give me a nice leafy bush
                  is not only fastened, but…whoa,  I was), you freeze with your hands   or an oversized Solo cup over Ro-
                  duuuuuude!…unfastened.  (One  under the tap as the words “Don’t   bo-Loo any day.

                  Friday’s Friendly Funny by Dave Blazek is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at blog.
                  friendlyplanet.com. - See more at: http://blog.friendlyplanet.com/

            68    Wine Dine & Travel  Winter 2015
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