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AMY LAUGHINGHOUSE
IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY
Ever Wondered How You Would React in an Airline Emergency? Now I Know
here are a few things can only imagine that if Charles Panic” flash in big friendly letters
that you really, REAL- “Survival of the Fittest” Darwin through your mind.
LY hope you will never had been called upon to compose
experience on an air- those scripts, they would be con- At least, that was one of the
plane—and recently, siderably more concise). thoughts bumbling around my
Tone of them happened brain like the Three Stooges in
to me. In short (or rather, in long-winded, bumper cars. The others, in rough-
round-the-houses-on-a-rusty-bi- ly chronological order, were:
I’m not talking about the usual cycle-with-a-slowly-deflating-tire
colicky infant (at 1. “Well, the plane
least one guar- doesn’t seem to
anteed on every be plummeting.
flight, or your That’s a bonus.”
money back), nor
the chatty, close- 2. “Um…did I do
talking seat mate that?”
whose entire diet,
from the time he You see, I’m not
was first able to exactly known for
digest solid food, good toilet karma.
has consisted I have, on more
solely of raw on- than one occasion,
ions and three- accidentally pulled
day old fish. I’m the red emergen-
not even refer- cy cord in various
ring to the incon- public and hotel
siderate oaf who bathrooms, when
reclines his seat I actually meant
so far into your to flush the toi-
lap that you’re let or turn off the
forced to eat your light. (To date, this
dinner off a tray has never resulted
on his forehead. in the arrival of
the fire brigade…
No. This was one or anyone else,
of the biggies, for that matter…
one of those life- which is both a
flashing-before- huge relief and
your-eyes moments that makes essence), the oxygen masks de- also vaguely worrying).
you wish you had put down that ployed…about three hours into
copy of OK! magazine, wrenched a trans-Atlantic flight to London, Furthermore, when confronted
the ear phones blasting LMFAO’s over the dark, fathomless depths with those high-tech Japanese
“Sorry for Party Rocking” from your of the ocean. toilets, the kind that look like La-
waxy canals, and listened to the Z-Boy recliners replete with seat
safety announcements featuring Now, if you’ve ever wondered warmers, spray nozzles and more
cartoon characters demonstrat- what you might do in the event buttons, bells and whistles than
ing the technological complexities of an emergency, I can only tell it ever took to operate the space
and mind-boggling intricacies of you this. If you’re me (which I shuttle, I’m generally reduced to
the aircraft, such as how a seat belt am), and you’re in the loo (which tears. Give me a nice leafy bush
is not only fastened, but…whoa, I was), you freeze with your hands or an oversized Solo cup over Ro-
duuuuuude!…unfastened. (One under the tap as the words “Don’t bo-Loo any day.
Friday’s Friendly Funny by Dave Blazek is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at blog.
friendlyplanet.com. - See more at: http://blog.friendlyplanet.com/
68 Wine Dine & Travel Winter 2015